Photo: Tom Pennington/Getty
You’ve done it.
The Republican Presidential nomination is you: Donald J. Trump. Aka: The Donald. Drumpf. The Trumpeteer. And let’s also give a nod to the strands sitting atop your lovely cranium that must provide some warmth on cold nights: the Trumpée.
You surprised a lot of us. Every time you spoke at a press conference, we were sure it was a bad strategy. And yet, here you are. You barreled on through countless controversies during your campaign.
Controversies, which, let’s be honest, you also had a part in stoking. You’ve survived four bankruptcies, business and legal scandals plus a list of failed business over the past 40 years. No way you do that by sitting still. You know full well that any news is good news.
As long as your name is on people’s lips there’s hope you can build another business. You proved it with your reality show The Apprentice. You were coming off another bankruptcy but…money, money, money…you turned it into a yuge hit.
We watched. It was entertaining. Frankly we were expecting you might select Omarosa as your Vice-President.
Now you’re in the big show and some polls say you’ve jumped closer to your sworn enemy Hillary in some States. As you declared in your Convention speech, “I AM YOUR VOICE”, and based on the applause a lot of people have agreed to be your vessel.
What could possibly go wrong? (Okay, we pitched that softball to ourselves.) First, you must have noticed a large number of Senate Republicans stayed home from the Convention. This includes all past Republican Presidents. One Senator even explained his absence: “I have to mow my lawn.” Seems harsh. But who cares, right? They’re old news.
Then some Republicans that were meant to speak for you, sort of didn’t. Of course you know whom I mean: Ted Cruz. That guy just doesn’t want to bury the hatchet that easily huh? But then, we know: he’s a loser, right?
Donald, given there’s some backlash against you within your own Party, we thought we might be able to help. The Hushed burner number app gives you an anonymous phone number, which you can use to make calls from your existing smartphone.
Reach people who might not want you to reach them
This means you might have a better chance of getting in touch with people within your Party who might not want to talk with you. Instead of your name popping up on their phone, an anonymous number will appear, maybe giving you a better shot at getting through to a Senator who might normally hang up or ignore your call.
The best part is that you can select as many anonymous numbers as you want. So, if you can’t get through to someone using one number, you can try a second number to do the same thing. Persistence is something we think you know a thing or two about. Are we wrong?
The other bonus is that you can erase your anonymous number at any time to get another number. So let’s say you’ve gotten through to a Senator, but the call didn’t go well: it’s also a disposable number, which means you can erase it and never speak with them again.
Get down to business
We know what you’re probably thinking. Why bother with these losers at all? The fact is things may get rocky in the months ahead, and it might be good to talk with someone who’s been there or if things really go pear shaped to find common ground with a Republican Senator; namely, to explain how the Liberal media had it in for you from the start, and maybe more importantly give you a chance to interest them in a Trump Tower for their State.
Donald, Hushed can give you a way to mask your identity until some of your Party members might feel more comfortable with you. Try out the anonymous numbers today and see how they might help you work towards mending fences within your Party. And coming off that, if all goes well, give you a shot at the big prize…. El Presidente!
Oh, yeah. Spanish is not your favourite, huh? That whole wall thing. Ok – Donald, listen, consider trying out Hushed in the months ahead, we think it might come in handy for you.
The Hushed Team